By Susie and Otto Collins
There's no doubt about it, lies break connection and trust. When you've been lied to in your love relationship or marriage, it can feel difficult to believe what your partner says or does.
In fact, you might start to question your entire relationship.
How many lies has he or she told me in the past? Is our connection completely built upon lies? Can I ever believe my partner again?
Especially if the lies told to you by your mate were used to hide infidelity or another betrayal, you might find yourself questioning the love that you thought you shared.
As you are trying to heal and recover after lies, there might come a time when you decide to make a shift toward rebuilding trust and eventually reconnecting.
Otherwise, you could choose to end your relationship. If you decide to stay and not heal your pain, you and your partner will undoubtedly be unhappy.
These days Cindy takes anything her husband Paul says with a large grain of salt. Ever since she discovered that he lied to her about a trip he recently took with friends, Cindy is questioning everything that Paul says, as well as their marriage itself.
Cindy felt hurt to the core when she found out that instead of attending a church retreat, as he claimed, Paul traveled to a nearby casino with friends and visited several strip clubs.
She still doesn't know the full story of his weekend get-away with buddies-- there could very well be more that he's not admitted to.
After Cindy caught Paul in this colossal lie, she has refused to share a bed-- or intimacies-- with him. She wants to know the full truth and Paul claims that he's confessed it all.
Cindy is doubtful of that and doesn't know what her next step should be.
What will help you make a completion?
If you've been lied to by your partner and you're finding it difficult to know what to believe, we advise you to take some time and go within. First of all, acknowledge how you are feeling. Allow yourself to have the emotions coming up for you.
Perhaps you need to release your anger or sadness. If so, find a way to release those feelings that won't cause further harm to you, your mate, or anyone or thing. You might write, go for a vigorous walk or run, paint, yell, or have a deep cleansing cry.
When you are feeling relatively calm, ask yourself what will help you make a completion about this whole situation. We're not suggesting that any one action or statement from your partner will automatically erase the lie that happened.
But feel within to determine what might help you start to release the pain and upset you are experiencing.
The completion is probably going to be most effective if it is not dependent on your partner's actions or words.
See if there is a shift you are willing to make within your own thinking and attitude that will help you point yourself toward making a completion about the lying.
Rebuild trust one moment at a time.
Cindy decides that she doesn't want to end her marriage at this time. She'd like to begin to rebuild trust with Paul-- even after his lying. She has cried and yelled and written in her journal.
Now Cindy is starting to feel like she can think about forgiving Paul for the lying. She is still having a hard time trusting him, but feels the tension between them starting to ease a bit.
You can rebuild trust one moment at a time as you recover from the lying. Train yourself to notice when your partner follows through on what he or she says.
This might include seemingly insignificant acts. But when your mate tells the truth, give him or her credit in your mind.
Begin to appreciate the truth-telling that is going on and that you feel sure about. This will help you acknowledge the strides that your partner might be making. Again, make note of even minor moments that help rebuild trust.
Pay attention to all of the trustworthy experiences in your life-- even beyond your mate and your relationship. When you open your eyes and start to see the many people and things about your life that you can indeed trust, you can begin to feel more sure and confident about your life overall.
This can be extended to your relationship.
As Cindy feels more and more trusting about her life overall, she is better able to make note of the ways that Paul is trying to demonstrate his trustworthiness to her.
One day, she feels like she can ask him again about that weekend trip he lied to her about. She wants to better understand what happened and why he felt so compelled to lie to her.
The talk that the two of them have is difficult and painful. But the difference now is that Cindy feels like she can trust Paul's words and feelings. In this environment of openness and renewed trust, Cindy can truly hear Paul as he recounts the incident and his regrets about it. She can also forgive him more completely.
It is almost always the case that lies damage and break bonds of connection in a love relationship or marriage. But this damage is not necessarily the end of the relationship.
A couple who takes the time to own how they are feeling and make completions-- both individually and together-- can actually rebuild trust and end up closer than before.
